So completes the first year since you joined Heaven. A new year that did not contain a new photo of our Ed, a new text, a new email or a new voicemail. A new year that relentlessly thrusts upon me, all of us – a new everything. Yet our broken hearts, our scattered brains, our absent sense of being screams to return to what we once knew. Funny how these two words, “new” and ‘knew” phonetically sound the same but generate such different emotions.
What I knew was a sincere family man that adored his children, grandson, sons-in-law, sweet pets and countless friends. What I knew was a funny man who could make you laugh so hard your cheeks and belly hurt. What I knew was a man who people looked up to, who enjoyed adventure and travel, loved conversation and was a treasured friend to so many. What I knew was a talented artist who designed heirloom jewelry pieces. What I knew was a man whose spirit illuminated brighter and his faith evolved stronger in cancer chaos. What I knew was a boy at 13 who grew to the man I loved and with whom I shared my entire being. What I knew was my devoted husband who gave us all the very best he could.
Now, sadly, a new state of being in the unknown is here….one that tempts me to constantly grieve for what should have been…to mentally rehearse all I should have said or done…to live with guilt for things I wish I could change… to suffocate the joy that wants to emerge when abundance overflows around me.
But, with renewed, powerful strength, I faithfully greet a new state of living. Daily, I choose to celebrate life to the best of my ability. I choose to remember the good, to hold in my heart our cherished love story, to hold my head high for the blessings of being his wife, his life-long friend, his advocate, his cheerleader, and his nurse. I choose to embrace each day with gratitude and affirm my passion to live a life anew, in a way that honors him, makes him proud, makes our children and grandchildren proud.
Each breath is a gift from our Lord and I choose happy, I choose to continue to love Ed with my shattered heart that still beats in disbelief and soulfully remembers us. Love transcends…anew.